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BIKER JOKES (MOSTLY)


Click Here to see a collection of hilarious biker video's!

After you read this page Click Here for not-biker jokes.

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JOKE LIST

1 - BIKER FRIENDSHIP

2 - Before and After...you fall in love:

3 - BIKER STEREOTYPES

4 - Bull%*#^ and brilliance only come with age and experience

5 - A few things NOT to say on a date...

6 - Be careful what you ask for...

7 - Are computers Male or Female?

8 - If Men Rewrote "The Rules"

9 - A Husband's and Wife's needs...

10 - The politician and the woman

11 - Marriage Truths

12 - What Women Say / Mean

13 - One Great Rooster

14 - Happily Married Biker

15 - The Mechanics of Heart Surgery

16 - Free Sex for Bikers

17 - Poor Honda Owner

18 - Just Say NO!

19 - Bad Day

20 - Biker Saves a Life

21 - Biker Prison

22 - Al Gore as a Biker

23 - The Designated Biker Decoy

24 - Dead Dog

25 - Rice Rider

26 - The Harley 10 Commandments

27 - Why Harleys are better than Women

28 - Old Lady Biker

29 - Unskilled Paramedics

30 - Respectful Biker

31 - Gynecologist Biker Mechanic

32 - Slow Down or Complete Stop

33 - Biker in the Theater

34 - The Cowboy and The Biker on Death Row

35 - Sobriety Test

36 - Ghost Proof Motorcycle

37 - High Tech Bikers

38 - Drunken Biker

39 - Big Bad Biker

40- How much cash do bikers spend on beer?

41 - Lien Holder on Your Bike

42 - The Waitress

43 - Biker Hand Signal

44 - You're a Biker "Wanna Be" if...

45 - Bad Weather Riding

46 - Tickets

47 - Grieving Biker

48 - Biker Turner Brown

49 - I'm a Lesbian Biker

50 - Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back

51 - Top Ten Reasons Why Scooter Riders Don't Wave Back:

52 - The Ferrari vs The Moped

53 - Dear Abby

54 - Daddy, Daddy

55 - PETA

56 - Speeding

57 - Circle Flies

58 - The Married Biker

59 - How to call the Police

60 - Biker Trade

61 - Who's First

62 - Hung Biker

63 - Three Mothers

64 - Blind Man Enters A girl Biker Bar

 65 - Where Sportsters Come From

66 - CHOICE

 67 - Biker Mother of Six

68 - Stolen Lunch

69 - No Screwing!

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NON-BIKER JOKES

They were donated by bikers though... CLICK HERE


1 - BIKER FRIENDSHIP

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the hateful &%$#@*! who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use small words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at you.

  9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;  "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Donated by: Derek Quinn

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2 - Before and After...you fall in love:

Before - You take my breath away
After -
You're suffocating me!

Before - Twice a night
After -
Not tonight!

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before - Lucy and Ricky
After - Fred and Ethyl

Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start

Before - Is that salad all your having?
After - Maybe you should just
have
a salad, honey

Before - Turbo charged
After - Jump start

Before - Victoria Secret
After - Fruit of the Loom

Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain

Before - Idol
After - Idle

Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat

Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship Is going nowhere

Before - You look so seductive In black
After - Your clothes are so depressing

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Before - Once upon a time
After - What was I thinking?

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3 - BIKER STEREOTYPES

I saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.
But, you didn't see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday..
I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.
But you didn't see me playing Santa at the local mall.
I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant.
But you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.
I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I drove by.
But you didn't see me driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.
I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children.
But you didn't see me when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.
I saw you stare at my long hair.
But you didn't see me and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.
I saw you roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves.
But you didn't see me and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.
I saw you look in fright at my tattoos.
But you didn't see me cry as my children where born and have their name written over and in my heart.
I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere.
But you didn't see me going home to be with my family.
I saw you complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be.
But you didn't see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.
I saw you yelling at your kids in the car.
But you didn't see me pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me.
I saw you reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road.
But you didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.
I saw you race down the road in the rain.
But you didn't see me, get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.
I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time.
But you didn't see me trying to turn right.
I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in.
But you didn't see me leave the road.
I saw you waiting impatiently for my friends to pass.
But you didn't see me. I wasn't there.
I saw you go home to your family.
But you didn't see me. Because I died that day you cut me off.
I was just a biker.
A person with friends and a family.
But you didn't see me.


  Chaplain Dave Bates

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 Donated material doesn't always have to be ABOUT bikers.

_________________________

4 - Bull%*#^ and brilliance only come with age and experience

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to an approaching leopard. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear! , the old poodle says. 

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" 

Moral of this story.... 

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull%*#^ and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Donated by: Beau Covington 

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5 - A few things NOT to say on a date...

"I don't think the shocks on my bike will support the both of us!"

"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."

"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face, but a good butcher will cut that off for you if you ask."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am." 

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6 - Be careful what you ask for...

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years working like a mule carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he had children and lived 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after the teenagers emptied the pantry; then, in his old age, he lived 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so

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7 - Are computers Male or Female?

A man who had previously been a sailor, and was now an "academic" was
very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered
what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he
set up two groups of computer experts. The first was composed of women,
and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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8 - If Men Rewrote "The Rules"

Rule 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule 4: It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule 9: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule 12: Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

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9 - A Husband's and Wife's needs...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. 

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. 

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says, "no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." 

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!

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10 - The politician and the woman

A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!"

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I can't say the same about you."

"You could..." said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

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11 - Marriage Truths

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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12 - What Women Say / Mean

What she says... What she really means...
 Can't we just be friends? Because, there is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, EVER again.
 I just need some space ...space without you in it.
 Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while, say anything and we'll have one right now.
Sure, pizza's fine You cheap, lazy %#@*!.
 I just don't want a boyfriend right now  I just don't want YOU as a boy-friend right now, or ever for that matter.
 I don't know; what do you want to do? I can't believe that you picked me up and you have nothing awesome and expensive planned.
I like you but... I don't LIKE you like you.
You never listen You never listen.
We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you until I see your bank balance.
I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait, because I can.
Oh, no, I'll pay for mine  And if you actually let me pay for mine...I'll never speak to you again!
Oh Yes! RIGHT THERE Well, near there anyway; just get this over with, my soap is on.
 I'm just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy drunk and make fun of you AND your friends.
 There's no one else but you, sweetie! I'm doing your brother, your boss and the mail-man and "THERE'S NO ONE ELSE BUT YOU, SWEETIE" that doesn't already know!
Size doesn't count... Unless I want an orgasm. Rain, snow or sleet has never kept the mailman (or your brother from that matter) from giving me one!

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13 - One great rooster

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; "he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

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14 - Happily Married Biker

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., parked your bike in the flowerbed, you were drunk and delirious, you broke some furniture, you puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye falling on the coffee table." 

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, STOP that and leave me alone, I'm married!"

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15 - Mechanics of Heart Surgery

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

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16 - Free Sex 


Two bikers rode into a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchased  a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the  attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex" said the attendant.

 "How do we enter?" asked one biker.

 "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

 "OK. I guess 7," said the other rider.

 "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two guys go back to the same station to get gas. When  they went inside to pay, the one asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

 "2" said the Harley rider.

 "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Y'all come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to their bikes, one said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No, I assure you it isn’t," came the reply. "My wife won twice last week."

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17 - Poor Honda Owner

Guy on a Honda pulls up to a toll booth. Toll collector says "Two dollars". Honda rider says "Sold!"

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The opinions expressed are not the opinions of MobileBiker.com but are for entertainment purposes only. 


18 - Just Say NO!

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking only faster this time.  The biker pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid, you know you want to hop on and ride."

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street even faster not even looking at the biker.

The biker pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, your the one that chose to ride the Yamaha today instead of the Harley, so YOU can ride it home by yourself!

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The opinions expressed are not the opinions of MobileBiker.com but are for entertainment purposes only. 


19 - A Bad Day

There's a guy sitting in a Chucky Cheese just looking at his cup. Then, a big trouble-making biker with a kids birthday group sits next to him, takes the cup and drinks it down.

The guy starts crying. The biker says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another. I just can't stand seeing a grown man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I over slept so I was late getting to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me.  Then I go home to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home to go to a bar but I wreck my car on the way. My insurance company says they require a urine sample before they will pay for it, but I had been drinking so I came here to collect the sample. I spent the last 2 hours sponging drops of urine off the floor in the bathroom, squeezing the drops into the cup until I got it full and now you show up and drink it, THANKS A LOT!" 

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20 - Biker Saves A Life

Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys. 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. 

One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it." 

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21 - Biker Prison

An old biker is sitting out on his back porch just bawling his eyes out when his old lady comes out & asks him what's wrong. He wipes his eyes & asks her if she remembers back when her daddy was gonna have him thrown in prison if he didn't marry her. She says "Yes, but what does that have to do with you sitting here bawling like a little girl?" " Well," he said, "Had I chosen prison, today is the day I would have been released!"

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22 - Al Gore as a Biker

Al Gore decides to try riding a motorcycle, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the motorcycle uninstructed, turns it on & it immediately roars into motion. As it moves along faster & faster, Al begins to fall from the seat. In terror, he grips tightly on the handlebars, but can't get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the motorcycle's gastank, but he slides down the side of the motorcycle anyway. Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the motorcyle & throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the exhaust pipes, he is now at the mercy of the motorcycles roaring wheels as his head is struck against the ground, over & over. He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him & unplugs the coin operated motorcycle. 

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23 - Designated Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, & try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out right there. Everyone left the bar and rode off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The biker  replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

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24 - Dead Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old poodle puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your poodle puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your Doberman tried to swallow it whole and choked on my poodle puppy, sir."

 

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  25 - Rice Rider

A Harley rider, a Honda rider and a Suzuki rider all worked together building a skyscraper. They were eating lunch together one day on the 30th floor structure. The Harley rider said, "Man, chicken again. If I have chicken in my bucket tomorrow, I'm jumping!" The Honda rider said, "Crap, bologna again. If I have bologna in my bucket tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The Suzuki rider said, "Well, I've got rice again and if I have rice tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The next day the Harley rider opened his bucket, had  chicken, and jumped. The Honda rider had bologna and jumped. The Suzuki rider had rice, he jumped, too. The funerals were held together and the wives of the three were talking. The Harley widow said, "If I had only known I would not have packed chicken". The Honda widow said the same about bologna. The Suzuki widow just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Don't blame me, he packed his own lunch today!"

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26 - The Ten Commandments of Harley Davidson

1. The one true American-made motorcycle is the Harley-Davidson, and thou shalt put no other motorcycles before it. 

2. Thou shalt not bow down and worship nor serve the god of chrome; for, lo, he is a false god and will not get thy butt home. 

3. Honor thy authorized dealer and thy hog chapter officers, that thy days may be long and fruitful in the land of Harley. 

4. Remember the weekend, and keep it open. for it is written, five days shalt thou labor, and for two days shalt thou ride thy Harley, drink beer, and f**k off. 

5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Harley, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his maidservant's ass. 

6. From the throne of thy Harley, thou shalt not stoop to wave at sinners who ride jap-crap, for jap-crap is known to be the handiwork of the devil. 

7. Thou shalt not pass by nor turn away from thy brother Harley rider who is in mechanical distress. 

8. Thou shalt not pose. verily, I say unto you, it is easier for a poser to pass his gold visa card through the eye of a needle than to enter into the true fellowship of Harley-Davidson heaven. 

9. When riding thy Harley on the road of life, thou shalt not whine nor snivel, and thou shalt not suffer to ride alongside those who do. 

10. Park not thy Harley in the darkness of thine garage for more than the 5 work days, that it not collect dust for want of being oft ridden, ride thy Harley with thy brethren, and rejoice in the spirit of the road and of life in general.

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The opinions expressed are not the opinions of MobileBiker.com but are for entertainment purposes only. 


27 - Reasons Why Harleys Are Better Than Women

Harleys only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. 
Harleys curves never sag. 
Harleys last longer. 
Harleys don't get pregnant. 
You can ride a Harley any time of the month. 
Harleys don't have parents. 
Harleys don't whine unless something is really wrong. 
You can kick your Harley to wake it up. 
If your Harley makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. 
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Harley when the old one is REALLY WORN. 
If your Harley smokes, you can do something about it. 
Harleys don't care about how many other Harleys you have ridden. 
When riding, you and your Harley always arrive at the same time. 
Harleys don't mind if you look at other Harleys, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. 
If your Harley is too loose, you can tighten it. 
If your Harley is too soft, you can get different shocks. 
You can have a beer while riding your Harley. 
You can have a black Harley and show it to your parents. 
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Harley. 
You don't have to convince your Harley that you're a cyclist and that you think that Harleys are your equal and should share in making your daily decisions. 
If you say bad things to your Harley, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again. 
You can ride a Harley as long as you want and it won't get sore. 
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Harley after you sell it. 
Harleys don't insult you if you're a bad rider. 
Harleys don't care if you are late. 
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Harley. 
It's always OK to tie your Harley down in the back of your pick up truck. 
If your Harley doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. 
If you get rid of your Harley it doesn't get to keep half of your stuff. 
If you leave town you don't have to worry if your Harley is being ridden by somebody else. 

You can trade your Harley in for a newer model without paying alimony. 
Your Harley doesn't mind if you play with it in public. 
Your Harley has an off switch. 
You can totally ignore your Harley as long as you want. 
Your Harley won't get offended if you suggest bigger, aftermarket headlights. 
You know exactly how much your Harley is going to take out of your checking account each month. 
You don't have to talk to and gently fondle your Harley before riding it hard. 
Your Harley doesn't want to snuggle after a ride. 
People envy your Harley more the older it gets. 
You can get your Harley hot and ready with 2 minutes of sitting on your butt. 
Your Harley doesn't mind waiting outside while you go into a strip club. 
If you don't want your Harley anymore, it's not illegal to sell it. 
You can Bore & Stroke it in public & no one cares! 
Harley's don't mind having two riders at the same time. 
You can sit, sipping on a cool J.D. & stare at your Harley for hours & it won't ask you any stupid questions!
You can always tell if your Harley is turned on or not. 
It's ok to store disassembled pieces of your Harley in your basement. 
You can ride a Harley and it won't get mad if the pics end up on the internet!!! 
Your Harley doesn't mind living in the garage. 

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28 - Old Lady Biker

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.  She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.  So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.  The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke.  I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." 

 

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29 - Unskilled Paramedics

There were two guys riding motorcycles on a windy afternoon. One of the guys was complaining because the cold air was blowing into his shirt. His buddy told him to turn his Honda jacket around, so that the collar of the jacket would be at his neck. That way no air could get into his shirt. So that is what he did. 
After riding for a while the two men came up on a curve. They were going too fast and they crashed. Witnesses called 911 and rushed to the motorcyclists aid. 

When the police arrived, they were doing a report. The police asked an eye witness to the accident if both of the men were instantly killed. 

"No" the man replied, "The man wearing the Honda Jacket was still alive, but by the time we got his head turned around to where it was supposed to be, he was dead! 

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30 - Respectful Biker

Two bikers are pulled up at a stop sign.  One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting by. 

He pulls the bike to the side of the road, gets off, stands by its side, takes off his helmet, and bows his head.  The procession passes by the intersection and the biker puts on his helmet, gets back on the bike, and starts it up.

The other biker comes over and says, "That was touching.  I didn't know you had it in you."

The first biker responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

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31 - Gynecologist Mechanic

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.
"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"
"For doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

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32 - Slow Down or Complete Stop

A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a on a big red Yamaha slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the him over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."
The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, take off your helmet."
As the man reluctantly takes off his helmet, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"

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33 - Biker in the Theater

The biker lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. 

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the biker, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." 

The biker groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. 

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The biker just groaned. 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle.

In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the biker, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" 

"Sam," the biker moaned. 

"Where ya from, Sam?" 

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony up there." 

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34 - Cowboy and a Biker on Death Row

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. 

The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. 

The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. 

Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. 

He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?" He responded with, "Please kill me first."

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35 - Sobriety Test

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?" 

"They're for my juggling act," the man says. 

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a couple of old bikers go by. 

Later on when they get their favorite hangout, one biker says to the other, "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard." 

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36 - Ghost Proof Motorcycle

What is a ghost-proof motorcycle? 
One with no spooks in it of course!

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37 - High Tech Bikers

Three Bikers, a Honda GoldWing Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound.
The Honda GoldWing Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my bike alarm, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm, I'll be right back” 
A few minutes later a phone rang. The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”
The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. 
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!” 

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38 - Drunken Biker

A drunk biker is riding through the city and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. The cop says to the biker, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the biker. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the biker says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell off the bike?" "Oh, thank heavens" sighs the biker. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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39 - Big Bad Biker

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and usually fights at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time really close to the bikers face and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk......!"

 

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40 - Q: On average, how much cash do bikers spend on beer?

A: A staggering amount.

 

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41 - Lien Holder

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him so he asked, "What is this...Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand, so I don't need someone to hold it when it leans"

 

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42 - The Waitress

A Biker went into his corner coffee shop for his morning ritual.
He liked the coffee, and the food was good & cheap. One thing though, the waitress was an old surly type who didn't like Bikers.

This morning, business was slow, and the waitress (looking particularly grumpy) was ignoring the biker by keeping herself busy sweeping the floor.

He chuckled and walked up to her and said, 

"I see that you are cleaning the floor with your ride home". 

 

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43 - Hand Signal

 

The correct hand signal for letting other riders know that they pissed you off, is to...Extend your left arm straight out with your elbow bent 90 degrees.

Carefully extend your middle finger to clearly demonstrate your dissatisfaction with the other guy.

NOTE:  It is not recommended that you do this to when you are alone. 

 

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44 - You Know You're A Biker Wanna' Be, If

- You spit out the bug that just flew in your mouth. 
- You spend more time shining your bike than riding it. 
- You're too cool to wave at the kids in the mom-mobile in front of you. 
- You grab for your hairbrush before your old lady. 
- You take your bike into the shop for oil changes. 
- Your $500 boots aren't scuffed from riding. 
- You think that a kick-starter is a mocha latte. 
- You set at least one mirror, if not both, to reflect yourself. 
- Your saddle bags say "Gucci". 
- You carry a lap-top in your saddle bags. 
- Your tattoos wash off. 
- You put your pony-tail back in the drawer after you get home. 
- You won't ride down a gravel road. 
- You've never seen a sunrise from two wheels. 
- You only ride on weekends, when you can. 
- You never ride to work. 
- All your leathers match. 
- There are no wrinkled, faded, creased, or scratched areas on your leathers. 
- You don't own a rain suit. 
- You've never ridden long enough to know that stock seats are never comfortable. 
- You've never had to replace a worn out tire. 
- You've had to replace your tires, but because they were too old and not too worn. 
- You like to ride by stores with big picture windows so you can admire your reflection. 
- You ride a Ducati. 
- Your longest road trip this year was to Hooter's for bike night. 

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45 - Bad Weather

 

There's a fellow who is an avid rider.  Actually he's a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend of motorcycle riding in years. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up at 6am and goes meets his buddies for a nice long ride.  On this one morning, he gets up, gets dressed, gets his riding gear out of the closet and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave. While riding to meet his friends it started raining a torrential downpour.  There was sleet mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing at over 30 mph.  He hurries back to his house and turns the TV to the Weather Channel.  He sees that it's going to be bad weather all day long.  So he puts his bike back into the garage and goes back upstairs to the bedroom.  

He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband went riding today anyway?"

 

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46 - Tickets

 

A biker went to a store the other day, and was in there for only about 5 minutes. 

When he came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

 So the biker went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, give a guy a break?"

 The cop ignored him and continued writing the ticket. 

So the biker called the cop a pencil-necked Nazi. 

The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

 So then the biker called the cop a piece of steaming crap. 

The cop finished the second ticket and put it on the bikes windshield along with the first. 

Then he started writing a third ticket!  This went on for about 20 minutes and the more the biker abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.

 Of course, the biker didn't care.  His bike was parked around the corner.

 

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47 - Grieving Biker

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to this biker kneeling at a grave nearby.  

 

The biker seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die and put me in this position?  Why did you have to die and put me in this position?" 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. 

 

For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?" 

 The biker took a moment to collect himself, and then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

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48 - Turner Brown

 

A little guy steps into an elevator, looks up and sees this really huge biker dressed in leather with lots of spikes standing next to him. The biker sees the little guy staring up at him in awe and looks down at him extends his hand and says, I'm "7 feet tall, 350 lbs with a 20 inch penis, testicles are 3 lbs each...Turner Brown".
The little guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The biker kneels down and brings him to, by  slapping his face and shaking him. The biker asks, "Are you Ok?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The biker says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought the last thing you said was, "TURN AROUND!'"

 

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49 - I'm a Lesbian

 

A biker in leather went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I am a real biker."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left. The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"

 

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50 - Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid he might get frostbite if his hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The onboard espresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with his banker and his accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by oddly shaped blip on his radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "automatic wave back" button on dashboard.

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51 - Top Ten Reasons Why Scooter Riders Don't Wave Back:

 

10. Thought scooters were exempt.
9. Didn't want to drop the 12 pack of Zema.
8. Distracted by cars flying around him at 40mph.
7. A bus went by two minutes ago and still fighting crosswinds.
6. Didn't know that scooter wouldn't fly off the road if left hand was removed.
5. Was blinded by the sun reflecting off of all of your chrome.
4. It's a mod vs. rocker thing.
3. Thought peace signs went 'out' in the 60's.
2. Ran over a bottle cap and needed both hands.
1. Thought you were just stretching a cramp from all that 'clutching'.

 

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52 - The Ferrari vs the Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him. 

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" 

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! 

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. 

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! 

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. 

He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !" 

The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?" 

 

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53 - Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

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54 - Daddy, Daddy

A little girl is playing in her front yard when she hears a load rumbling. She calls into the house, "Daddy, some guys on motorcycles are coming down the street!" Her father calls back, "Baby, I think you should come in the house." She looks back toward the bikers and again calls into the house, "Daddy, they’re riding Harley Davidsons!" The father shouts back, "You’d better bring in the dog too!"

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55 - PETA

Why is it that PETA protests against fur coats more than leather biker jackets?

Because its easier to harass rich old ladies and clueless movie stars than to harass a motorcycle gang!

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56 - Speeding?

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem.
The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

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57 - Circle Flies

A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper lectured the biker about speeding, and in generaly gave the biker a hard time.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,

"Hard to fool them flies though."

 

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58 - The Married Biker

 

Two bikers were talking at a bar.

"How's married life?" asks the first.

"It's fine," says the second.

"How's the sex?" asks the first.

"O.K.," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line...usually"

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59 - HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE AN OLD BIKER

 

Old Snake was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing his bike.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when one was available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed stealing my bike. Well, you don't have to hurry over here because I shot them all and they will be here when you get here." Then he hung up.

Within two minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Snakes' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Snake: "You said that you shot them!"

Snake said, "You said there was nobody available!"

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60 - Biker Trade

 

  A biker arrived at his friends house to get ready for the big run that weekend. His thoughts were on the run as he walked up to the porch, he couldn't help but notice the huge dog sitting next to the door. When asked, "is that your dog?" the biker responded, "Yea, I got him for the ol lady". "No joke. I always kept my mouth shut bout your ol lady but, I gotta say, nice trade"

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61 - Who's First

 

On a long road trip a biker decided to pull into the first watering hole he could find to wash down the road dust. The bar that he stopped into was a "fufu" upscale cocktail lounge. After a couple of cold ones he felt an abundance of gas building in his bowels. He figured it was time cut cut loose with a GIANT fart. A Gentleman standing next to him exclaimed "How dare you fart before my wife". The biker looked at the man and stated "I'm sorry I didn't realize it was her turn."

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62 - Hung Biker

A biker was sitting in the shade, sipping a cool one and watching his ol' lady mow the lawn. His new neighbor's wife came over and said, "You bastard, making your wife cut the grass while all you do is watch! You ought to be hung!" 

"I am," replied the biker. "That's why SHE's cutting the grass."

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63 - Three mothers

 

Three future mothers were at the doctors office for their checkups. The first mother, a lawyers wife, says, "When my husband and I made love, I was on top. The doctor says we're going to have a boy." The second mother, a surgeons wife, says, "When we made love, my husband was on top. The doctors we're going to have a girl." The third mom to be, a biker's ol' lady, starts crying hysterically, "Oh my god, I'm gonna have puppies!"

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64 - Blind Man Enters Girl Biker Bar

 

 A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 

 

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No. not if I'm gonna have to explain it at least five times.

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65 - Where Sportsters Come From...

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66 - CHOICE

I'd rather be riding my motorcycle thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle.

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 67 - Biker Mother of Six

A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids.  He was so proud that he continually called his wife, "Mother of Six", which pissed her off a lot.  But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they went.  At end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you ready to go home?"  His irritated wife screamed back:  "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

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68 - Stolen Lunch

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and
tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the
lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says
- Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my
whole life.
- Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.
- Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle do you ride?
- A Harley Davidson.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Donated by: Beau Covington

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Editorial Comment: Obviously it was a Liberal Democrat journalist!


No screwing!

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day biker washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The biker is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The biker yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the biker yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the biker yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the biker climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new biker are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

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